Shadow
by midnight glade
Summary: I was the shadow, the one with one foot already on the ‘other side’ and she was the link tying me to life. And I hated it." Inspired by the prologue, read and review.


Shadow

Hey, I finished My Sisters Keeper today and, at some point, realised that the Prologue was bugging me. So I thought about it, had a revelation, when back and reread it and realised that my opinion had changed. At first, I thought it was Anna who had tried to kill Kate, but now it seems more likely for it to be _Kate _that tried to kill _Anna_. Now, I have never seen the film so I may be wrong or may only be stating the blindingly obvious but…I tried to explore why Kate would try to do such a thing and what her thoughts were on it later. It seemed to me, in both the epilogue and parts of the book that Kate loved her sister dearly and visa versa. I wrote this kind of quickly (around twenty minutes) so there might be lots of mistakes Please read and review. Thanks.

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I can still remember the moment.

Of course, now its slightly foggy, unfocused, dimmed by the passage of time, but I remember nonetheless. Holding the pillowcase over her tiny face, it itches into my palm, as if trying to distract my from what I am doing. Her arms flail slightly underneath me as I hold her down, but she does not stand a chance against me. For once, I am stronger, better, powerful and even in the face of what I am doing I savour that control. She has no chance against me, in this dark room where the black stretches on and on, I am omnipotent here.

I am the older sister after all.

But I was three years old then and that is not what I was thinking at the time, my adult mind only interprets it that way, notices details and feelings and truths that the kid me never saw. Still, the meaning is the same, the raw, unrefined, reasoning behind that moment so pure and clear in even my blurry memories.

I wanted her to die.

Ironic, isn't it? That, me, the one who was dying wanted to impose that same condition on somebody else, worse, my own sister? But that's exactly the point, I remember the feeling, the horrible, horrible feeling, of being a shadow. It's like when you have a favourite toy, and as the years go by it gets tattier and tattier until, one day, a arm splits open and the stuffing falls out. The best thing to do would be to replace it, to get a new one, but you don't want to let that toy go, you want to hold on and hold on until there's nothing left to hold on to. So you get some more stuffing and some more thread and you fix the toy, but it keeps breaking, over the years, but you keep stuffing it and stuffing it until there is hardly any of the original toy left; but that's ok because maybe if you pretend it's the same toy…maybe it will be.

That's like me. I'm the toy.

And over the years I wasn't given more stuffing but instead I was given parts of Anna. So maybe when I tried to kill her it was because I wanted to stay as _Kate _and not turn into _her_…because if parts of me were being replaced with parts of her, would there end up being anymore parts of me left? Maybe over time I wouldn't be Kate anymore, I would be Anna. I was the shadow, the one with one foot already in the 'other side' and she was the link tying me to life, the bright shining star to my dull, dying darkness.

And, over the years, I hated it.

I hated how she was the one so full of life, that I had scars and bruises that never seemed to fade, when she would come out of each procedure looking as if she'd lost nothing, as if all she had given me hadn't weakened her at all. Why did she get stronger when I got weaker? It seemed that as soon as the marrow or blood or whatever else she was giving me, left her body it was useless. I could not use her strength but yet she could tie me to life…to my pitiful existence where I watched myself fade a little more each day.

It was like I was holding a rope as I dangled over the edge of a mighty cliff, only I wanted her to cut me loose.

That day used to play on my mind, I used to ponder how it could be done, how I could end my life by ending hers. For a child, I suppose I never grasped the gravity of what I was doing, only that it would end this strange sort of pain I felt, this weird cold in my mind. But then, something strange happened…

I realised I loved her.

For how could I not? It has nothing to do with obligation, the fact that I am her sister, and all to do with her. I loved the brightness about her, the life in her eyes and I loved the way she stayed happy, all the time, even when we fought, she would still be Anna. Sure, she could be a right little pest when she wanted to be but…she was my best friend. But, even through all of that, I resented and loved her. Strange how, even now, I still do not realise when my love outgrew my resentment but I do remember when _I_ realised it.

That day, when mom talked about kidney transplants, I realised I had found a way for the rope to be cut without harming Anna and without me having to kill myself.

She would have to refuse the transplant and I…I would have to die.

It all seemed so simple, so easy, but the very thought sent tendrils of fear snaking through my mind. I had always been too scared to take my own life but, if this worked, I wouldn't have to. As I spilled out my plan to Anna, I tried to tell myself that it would be all natural, that I was supposed to die. When news of the lawsuit came I was terrified but to this day I have no clue what of…the prospect of her winning, or her losing? It doesn't matter, I suppose.

She won, and then she died.

Seems like a joke right? All those years ago I had tried to kill her so that I could die, rest, but the instant, the second, I stop she is taken in my place and I am left alone. Maybe it's karma or some twisted destiny rubbish, but the whole reason I had wanted her to die was so I could too, and now she had been taken from me, I was left to live. Someone had to go, I wanted it to be me, but no, no, it had to be her.

She is the reason I live and I was the reason she lived.

She was created to save me, and safe me she did, it is her liver that keeps me going and it is comforting to know that part of her still lives. I am no longer afraid of losing myself anymore, I was always part of Anna, just as she is now part of me. Funny how our existences our linked, she lived because of me and I live because of her. But she's dead, she's dead and she is never coming back. And it hurts, it hurts and hurts, because she was my sister and I loved her.

Sometimes I look up at the sky and see her namesake.

Sometimes I like to think that her story had a happy ending too, that she was taken away by some handsome hero and, that wherever she is, she knows she is loved.

_I'm sorry Anna._

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I do not own My Sisters Keeper.


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